Ethan Hunt has fallen in love. He has fallen in love with a 22-year old brunette medical doctor, because only in Hollywood can beautiful women complete four years of undergraduate work, four years of medical school and three years of residency by the time they are barely old enough to drink. This is unfortunate for Ethan because he works for the IMF- the Impossible Mission Federation, as opposed to the International Monetary Fund, which is what I kept thinking the goddamn acronym stood for, which made his job all the more confusing to me for the two hours I was locked into the Loews E-Walk at Time's Square. It is unfortunate for Ethan because his job is TOP SECRET and even his prodigal-like wife is incapable of keeping that kind of secret, without, of course, her very existence being threatened. But all of this- and I mean all of it- is completely forgiven because it is summer time. And summer time is the only time of the year we can sit around with our shirts off, drinking Coors Light, barbecuing hot dogs, and spending ten bucks to see the kind of mindless action drivel Hollywood is perfect at making.
But, of course, Ethan, played by an incredibly fast-running Tom Cruise, does, in fact, compromise the life of his wife, who, ironically, is kidnapped by an incredibly effective Truman Capote...er, I mean, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It is an extremely successful action movie for an hour and a half. Tom Cruise's calculation of a fulcrum to send him flying a hundred yards and two hundred feet down from the top of one Shanghai building to the next is worth the ten bucks. A great sequence on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, a whodunit plot and some cool masks, made it, for a while, one of the best action movies I'd seen since "Spiderman 2". But then the writers had to write an ending.
In any other forum, I would write something like this before I went on to the next paragraph: SPOILERS!!! But then that would be assuming that everyone reading this blog is either planning on going to see the movie or is a complete idiot, which, I'm assuming, is not the truth. In short, the writers decided they should create a bit of tension by CAUSING TOM CRUISE'S HEART TO STOP BEATING, THUS RESULTING IN HIS WIFE HAVING TO GIVE HIM CPR TO REVIVE HIM!!! Oh, Boy! The whole theater was literally covering their eyes. I was on the edge of my seat. Did she clear his airway first? Did she shake him and say "Annie, Annie, are you okay?". Did she measure two fingers away from the bottom of his sternum before starting chest compressions? But, more importantly, did the music suddenly stop, dramatic slow motion kick into effect, sweat dripping off of her anxious, beautiful face, breathing amplified? Did she give up and begin beating on her husband's chest in frustration? Did he magically wake up coughing something up, even though he wasn't choking? DID WE EVER HAVE A FUCKING DOUBT THAT HE WOULD REVIVE AND HAVE THE WRITERS EVER HEARD OF SOMETHING CALLED DEUS FUCKING EX MACHINA?!?!? Harumph. This must be standard Hollywood fare, something they teach you in film school at UCLA.
"Mission Impossible 3" is hardly a bad summertime blockbuster, but this tacked on ending seemed patronizing at best and was an easy way out. If one of my students had written it, I'd give them an 85. But my students are thirteen. Therefore, this one gets a 70. Sorry, Ethan. Don't have a heart attack.
